You asked: “How do I follow through with no contact?”
understanding No Contact and Why It Matters
Many people believe that going no contact with an ex is dramatic or extreme. But I believe it is crucial—especially when trying to break free and heal from a relationship with a toxic or emotionally abusive partner.
The thing about emotionally abusive partners is that they are typically emotionally immature. They are reactive and lack self-restraint. They manipulate and push back on boundaries. As a result, they will often try to coax you back into a relationship or continue to mistreat you—even when the relationship is long over.
Additionally, experiencing emotional abuse often results in a trauma bond. Despite the hurt and pain they have caused, there is often a lingering attachment and emotional connection to the abuser—making it difficult to fully disentangle yourself from this person, especially when you maintain communication or a non-relationship with them after breaking up.
Therefore, in my clinical opinion, going no contact is the only way for you to recover and move forward after abuse. Below is a guide to help you with this process.
The Six-Step No-Contact Process: What to Expect and How to Navigate It
Decide the terms of no contact.
While no contact is self-explanatory, it can look different from person to person. For example, if you have to co-parent, going 100 percent no contact may not be an option. Instead, you might have to opt for very limited contact or communicate only through a secure app. Take some time to consider what no contact or limited contact means to you. Here are some components of no contact you can incorporate (if it feels right for you):
End all forms of communication (no texting, calling, emailing)
Avoid social gatherings in which they could be present, or decline invitations
End contact and communication with their friends and family
Separate finances (shared bills, accounts, or subscriptions)
Block their number
Block or unfriend them on social media
Block their email or have their emails forwarded to a safe person
Using secure and/or court-approved or monitored communication apps
2. Own the decision.
If you choose to communicate this decision, be clear and direct when establishing no contact. Take ownership of this decision. You decide to make it, and make it about you. Do not leave it open for interpretation, discussion, or negotiation. Do not try to explain or justify this choice. You don't need them to be on board or in agreement. This is about self-preservation and prioritizing your emotional and physical safety and mental health.
3. Expect pushback and protesting.
Just like how they were in the relationship, they will likely try to take control. They might try to challenge you and make you doubt your decision. They might use guilt and shame. They might say and do things to evoke your empathy and distract you. Don't fall for it. This type of response to a firm boundary is only confirmation that you made the right decision. Additionally, if they continue to persist and it escalates, it's important to consider your safety. In some instances, it may be appropriate to block them (if you haven't already), alert loved ones, or even consider taking legal action.
It's important to note that in instances of domestic violence, going no contact could increase your risk and increase safety concerns. If this is the case, it is important to seek appropriate resources and engage in safety planning.
4. Practice patience and self-compassion.
For many individuals, going "no contact" isn't easy. It's normal to second-guess yourself, experience guilt, and even have the urge to reconnect.
As mentioned earlier, when you have been in a relationship with an abusive partner, you often develop a trauma bond with this person as a result of the intermittent reinforcement that occurs in the cycle of abuse (oscillating between mistreatment and connection/intimacy). Therefore, you may still have some attachment to this person despite the pain they have caused you.
Additionally, it's common for emotional abuse to erode your sense of self and self-trust, which can result in you questioning or doubting yourself and your judgment. If you start asking yourself, "Did I make a mistake?" this is likely a product or symptom of the abuse.
And finally, emotional abuse is isolating. When you break free from a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner, despite the initial relief, it's often followed by loneliness—which can feel unbearable at times. During these moments, you may have the desire to reach back out. But I encourage you to work through these feelings instead of acting on them.
If any of these feelings or experiences come up, be compassionate toward yourself and understand that these are all common and natural responses to prolonged mistreatment. Give yourself time, space, and perspective. It will lessen, and there are things to do in the meantime to help you cope and manage.
5. Cope with the urge.
This is probably one of the more important pieces of this process—creating a plan to help you cope when the urge to reach out or connect comes up. Here are some strategies to try and incorporate into your plan:
Talk out this urge with a safe, supportive person, or externalize it through journaling or voice notes to yourself
Pause for 24 hours before acting and notice whether the urge softens or subsides (it almost always does)
Write down all the reasons the relationship didn’t work and the harm it caused (seriously, make it an extensive list)—you can even ask a friend or loved one to help you with this
Move your body to boost your mood and work through anxiety and discomfort
Allow yourself to cry or scream into a pillow and release the emotion
Connect with safe, supportive people and focus on building other meaningful relationships and connections
Have a designated accountability person—someone who can help you stay grounded in your decision
Do a 5- to 10-minute guided meditation to help you calm your nervous system
6. Take care of yourself. Again, this process is hard. Many different feelings are likely to arise; prioritize you and your healing. Here are some ideas to help you lean into your healing:
Lean on your support system (friends, family, therapist, support groups)—you don't even have to talk about what you're going through or feeling; sometimes it's just about being around safe people who care and understand you
Reduce exposure to triggers (when possible)—try to avoid checking their social media, re-reading text messages, or looking at old pictures
Use grounding techniques to calm and soothe your nervous system when discomfort arises (deep breathing, movement, guided meditations)
Remind yourself why this boundary exists and why you deserve better
Focus on a small personal goal or reconnect with a hobby or interest that you neglected while in your relationship—having something to work towards or feeling connected to the things that matter to you or bring you joy is a great way to reclaim yourself and your life
And if you need more support, I’ve created the No Contact Survival Kit to support you in this process.